tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57419602012-01-30T21:46:16.655-05:00A chronicle of my struggle with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and other incoherent blather as I see fitPathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.comBlogger2331100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-17587642408747088092012-01-30T21:23:00.002-05:002012-01-30T21:46:16.697-05:00

...goin' down the only road I've ever knownlike a drifter I was born to walk aloneWhen I was younger and braver that song was my personal statement about how I did things my way and in my own time and how I didn't follow conventions just because they were conventional. Now that I'm older and wimpier the song is just a pathetic ironic commentary on my (lack of) love life.Let's see...how to tell

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-76349071349018371652012-01-27T22:46:00.002-05:002012-01-27T23:02:08.553-05:00

There's something I want to know. And I know I don't have too many people who follow this blog, but I'm asking here because I'm too ashamed to admit that I don't know the answer.If you're in the NYC area you might have heard that there's a news personality who's in a bit of hot water. (And no, it's not the Hot Reporter I've mentioned in previous posts. Completely different person.) Seems that

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-42921228070192681662012-01-15T13:49:00.002-05:002012-01-15T14:01:33.912-05:00

All of my test results came back near the end of December. Mammogram/ultrasound: normal. Echocardiogram: Normal. Stress test: I didn't last the full 8 minutes (I could only do 6), but they were able to get the info they needed, which was that elevating my heart rate doesn't induce my heart to jump to the unregulated WPW pathway. And most importantly...my latest blood work shows that my

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-31903501296470133672011-12-24T22:21:00.002-05:002011-12-24T22:32:49.124-05:00

I don't think I have ever wanted a man as badly as I do right now.What the fuck is WRONG with me?? It's fucking CHRISTMAS EVE!! What am I doing all alone? Am I really so repulsive that no one thinks of me on this night?I know my family doesn't give a shit about me. I can deal with that. But I really thought after all this time I would have established ties & found a community of friends I could

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-51224860966409780892011-12-18T21:04:00.002-05:002011-12-18T21:25:07.879-05:00

I've been bleeding every day since November. This is the first day in about 2 weeks that I haven't bled heavily. I'm almost ready to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hand.If you're still reading after that last paragraph, you're either a) not male and/or b) you've got a stronger stomach than most.I've had some big developments at work. Here's the timeline:Just before we

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-36435055717874323062011-11-27T01:07:00.002-05:002011-11-27T01:10:42.458-05:00

Every time I post I always check my stats afterward. I had 20-something views yesterday. For me, that's huge. Then I looked at the referring sites--some of them were porn sites. Not even good porn sites--disgusting porn sites.WTF??

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-7974915537333600242011-11-27T00:47:00.002-05:002011-11-27T00:57:32.085-05:00

I can never remember what I post from post to post. So I apologize if I'm repeating myself.When I went to see my PCP in September I bitched about the cardiologist clowns who wanted to fry off part of my heart. She referred me to another cardiologist.I saw that cardiologist this week. I was poised and ready to launch a full-out assault on why this was so unnecessary. Imagine my surprise when she

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-50740191354876327582011-11-11T21:45:00.002-05:002011-11-11T21:57:49.502-05:00

I've been listening to a lot of music over the past few weeks. A LOT of music.I've also been watching a lot of news coverage, and not just because of the hot reporter.For a long time I've felt that my life was empty. And for some reason that feeling has gotten worse over the past few weeks. But I don't know how to fill the void.Religion? Nah. I had too much of that dogma & diatribe rammed down my

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-82821061323816404682011-10-19T21:59:00.002-04:002011-10-19T22:13:29.413-04:00

RE: My last post--famous last words. A couple of hours after I posted I started bleeding and it's still going on. But that's only been a few days. Maybe I'll be lucky & I'll have a normal period this time around.Work has just been sheer and utter hell. I spent most of the day crying on and off. My boss feels bad for me. The higher-ups are blaming her for the ugly situation in our office but it's

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-22581715191607286252011-10-16T14:05:00.002-04:002011-10-16T14:16:34.155-04:00

Exactly one month ago today I spotted a little and haven't bled since. I think my body wants to have a period now but for some reason my uterus isn't cooperating.My reason for thinking this? For the past week I haven't been able to stop thinking about sex, which makes me think my hormones are up to something. I spent 95% of my time in college like this. Sex was what I'd daydream about in class

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-1784562596311246552011-08-17T21:38:00.002-04:002011-08-17T21:43:42.543-04:00

I'm in job hell. Everything is crashing in on me at once. There are 2 other places I might be able to move to within my institution, but one is with someone I want to smack half the time & it involves having to do stuff I'm not good at. The other would be saner, but I'd have to shell out an extra $104 every month for subway fare. Outside prospects are dim as well. I had an amazing interview for

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-78371017994312914122011-07-24T10:16:00.003-04:002011-07-24T10:22:57.555-04:00

For the past 4 days I've been shut inside my apartment. It's way too hot to go outside, but that doesn't mean it's any better in here.Even with the AC on full blast my cat & I are still sweltering. I think I've taken more showers over the wknd than I have in the past month. Supposedly it's going to get better tonight, but by then it will be too late for me to run any errands. Last night I took

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-15752032416149020612011-07-20T23:33:00.002-04:002011-07-20T23:53:03.759-04:00

This is where my life has gone in the past month. It's also why I haven't blogged in a while. Funny how when I have something to blog about that's actually GAD-related, I'm too stressed out to do it. Let's pause for a moment to savor the irony.So here's what's happened in the past month:*I ducked into a parking lot on my way to work to avoid a pain-in-the-ass neighbor one morning. The next

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-87194339103161859712011-05-22T21:01:00.002-04:002011-05-22T21:11:40.920-04:00

Ever since my last p-doc appointment, I've been skipping my meds frequently. Partially because of this insane thing I do to mourn my friend's death every late April/early May, partially because I maxed out my FSA & I need to conserve, and partially because I want to stock up on doxepin in case my p-doc actually takes me off it.Guess what? Aside from the insomnia, I've been doing ok. I still take

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-33970215396426190922011-04-30T19:28:00.002-04:002011-04-30T19:46:18.598-04:00

Grr...I hate it when Blogger eats my posts. Let's try this again.In response to Echo's comments: Yes, I've tried going off the meds, sort of. Before I landed a job with health insurance I'd try to get treatment by getting into research studies. You have to be completely med-free for at least 2 weeks before you can get into a study. Also, I tend to skip meds here and there for a day or so, usually

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-6907172607364723882011-04-24T20:42:00.002-04:002011-04-24T21:02:32.903-04:00

OK, let me get the non-psycho crap out of the way first.Shortly after my last post, I sent Red an email pointing out to him that he was up to the same crap he pulled the last time we were in communication with each other. (No, not in those words, I was a little more tactful than that.) I told him point-blank that I was a very lonely person, that I did in fact want to see him again, and that

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-40738860015017641712011-03-08T21:35:00.002-05:002011-03-08T21:50:21.919-05:00

Have you seen that new cat food commercial? It starts out with a woman bringing her boyfriend to her parents' house. As they enter the home, a beautiful fluffy white cat comes down the stairs and the woman greets it warmly. Boyfriend makes a mental note. Cut to the next scene, Boyfriend is spiffing up his apartment, replete with cat toys. Next scene, Girlfriend enters the apartment and there in

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-25545306710477452122011-02-20T22:07:00.002-05:002011-02-20T22:28:15.861-05:00

I've been bleeding for a week. We'll see if this turns out to be another marathon.It's been over a week since Red & I got together for a...mini-date? I don't know what you'd call it. He mentioned a venue that's sort of near where I live but completely inaccessible to me and my mass-transit limitations. I looked up the venue, and there are a number of acts I'd be willing to see, but all of them

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-9181429906779031232011-02-13T16:10:00.003-05:002011-02-13T16:35:27.160-05:00

Last time I used this title, it had a double meaning. It still does.First of all, my uterus continues to hijack my body & hold it hostage. There is no longer any discernible pattern to when I bleed, nor for how long or how profusely.Now to the other Red. On Thursday I won tickets to a Friday concert. So I sent out a mass email to my local friends (including Red) asking if anyone wanted to go with

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-11919144314785501262011-02-01T19:33:00.002-05:002011-02-01T19:49:50.516-05:00

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, here's what happened at my last pdoc appointment.Recall that at my last visit in December, I was depressed as fuck. As a result, my pdoc upped my doxepin from 75 mgs to 100 mgs. I'm obviously feeling better now and I told her so.Then she whips out a lovely letter from the cardiologist clowns. They apparently sent her a snitch report. My pdoc

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-91606248847055055512011-01-30T00:36:00.002-05:002011-01-30T00:48:26.916-05:00

OK, I *thought* I was going to bed.After my aborted post I checked my Stats page here on Blogger, and apparently there's a website called Healthcentral.com that has linked to my blog. I was kind of pleased that a real health website would link to my random musings until I read their blurb about me:"Pat chronicles his struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)."Let's review: I've spent the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-82209022997866998582011-01-29T23:54:00.004-05:002011-01-30T00:24:26.018-05:00

I just spent half an hour typing a post only to get an error msg from Blogger with instructions to hit my browser's back button. When I did that, my entire post was gone.My recount of the latest p-doc visit along with my nasty New Year's Eve Eve encounter will have to wait for another day. I'm giving up & going to bed.

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-50672677416463116672010-12-29T23:59:00.002-05:002010-12-30T00:08:30.362-05:00

"Suck it up, New York. It was a Blizzard, for godssake. I can't tell whether we are all being big BABIES (uh, YEAH, it's gonna take a while to dig out after a DISASTER !) OR if the budget cutters cut the wrong line item?? "These are the exact words uttered by a NYC radio DJ this morning. And I've been wanting to smack the DJ ever since.News broke this evening about a woman in Crown Heights,

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-1005802763326775072010-12-26T23:20:00.001-05:002010-12-26T23:30:28.436-05:00

Thanks Echo for your comment. I'm going to have to do some net-searching on "thyroid antibodies" so that when I ask my PCP to do this the next time I see her, I will sound like I know what I'm talking about.Remember those gifts I sent out that no one had acknowledged yet? On Christmas Eve I was sitting here in my apartment doing nothing in particular when my cell phone rang. It was one of the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-45927406416420434822010-12-24T00:23:00.002-05:002010-12-24T00:39:25.018-05:00

Well, at least I won't be spending Christmas alone this year. I'll have Aunt Flo to keep me company. She arrived today, a week early. I hope this isn't another extended visit.The increased doxepin dosage seems to be going OK, although I have to admit I haven't been as faithful about taking it as I should.Went to see the electro-cardiologist this week. I had gone to get a specific procedure done,

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-83331993216376073462010-12-04T19:59:00.002-05:002010-12-04T20:14:08.605-05:00

That's right. 28 fucking days. Exactly. I'm almost afraid to call it over for fear I might jinx myself. But I think it's over for now (knock on wood).Had my pdoc appointment yesterday. Told her I'd been depressed for over a month, she upped my doxepin to 100 mgs. I did some shopping after the appt, then as soon as I came home (around 1:30pm) I popped one. I was out cold till about 8pm.During the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-75529885386762919652010-11-24T22:32:00.002-05:002010-11-24T22:42:57.082-05:00

I've now been bleeding for 20 consecutive days.So I've been looking on the 'net trying to figure out why this could happen. I mean, I *know* it's because I'm 40 & my uterus is conking out, I'm just trying to figure out how big of a deal it is.And every website contradicts the other. One says it's not common and one should RUN to the gyno if it happens because it could be a sign of endometrial

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-81261189120372180892010-11-18T23:32:00.002-05:002010-11-18T23:38:39.354-05:00

It took snarky complaints about a book list on Facebook (from an English professor, a history buff, and a scientific genius, no less), but I finally understand it.The DNA-sharers who turned their backs on me and disowned me? The little shits who tortured me in junior high? The roommates who made my life a living hell in college? The men who will have nothing to do with me? These are not random

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-59976362084050674442010-11-12T22:45:00.002-05:002010-11-12T23:00:32.948-05:00

I finally got my period on Saturday. And I'm still bleeding. It's now 7 days, tomorrow will make it 8.I've been thinking a lot lately about my friend who died 2 years ago. She amassed this amazing following of friends. I wish I could tap into them. I miss my friend very much sometimes. And most of her friends from her other life treat the people who knew her from the life in which I came to know

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-4225637554159762042010-10-30T22:43:00.002-04:002010-10-30T23:03:01.719-04:00

I bled a little last week. Still not a real period.A long time ago I mentioned this guy I met at a concert, whom I nicknamed Red for his awesome hair. *sigh* This gets kinda complicated, so follow along.Red & I met at a concert about a year & a half ago. We seemed to hit it off, but afterwards whenever I suggested places/events we could go to, he would either give me a bullshit excuse or not

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-71378514677421867182010-10-17T16:50:00.002-04:002010-10-17T16:55:01.823-04:00

Yesterday a spot of blood showed up on my underwear and I wept with relief. But it was just that--a spot.I can't believe my days of being a "young" woman are really over. Medically you have to go for 12 months without a period to be officially menopausal. But it's now been more than 3 months and there isn't any other medical explanation. So it's really over for me.There hasn't been a single day

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-58782879741406692292010-10-06T20:25:00.002-04:002010-10-06T20:37:24.317-04:00

Not much going on, but I haven't posted in a while.Performance reviews will be out soon. I keep telling myself that I don't give a shit. I do a good job, and if people didn't like the way I did my job I would have been fired a long time ago. And the whole tying reviews to salary increases is bogus, because when money is tight they find excuses to nail you on your review so they don't have to give

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-82215462476530102272010-07-31T22:32:00.003-04:002010-07-31T22:50:55.145-04:00

I had my follow-up mammogram yesterday. I asked the technician whether she could tell me why I was having a follow up. "Your doctor should be discussing that with you.""My doctor hasn't said anything to me. I got a call from you guys last week telling me my mammogram was abnormal. Can you tell me anything about why it was abnormal?"She answered something that I can't remember and tacked on

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-88487493371868161122010-07-23T00:34:00.002-04:002010-07-23T00:47:12.813-04:00

I went to a concert tonight (technically last night, since it's now after midnight) and the night before. Same as ever. I felt good while I was there watching it, but now I'm home and I feel empty.So last Friday I mailed the birthday package off to Mr. Married. It included the item I custom ordered for him before I found out what a compassionless bastard he was, a hand-burned CD which I didn't

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-35760786008154530572010-07-16T22:36:00.002-04:002010-07-16T23:05:34.564-04:00

I mailed the birthday package to Mr. Married today. It contains the item I ordered for him before our last IM conversation. It also contains a 2 page letter basically letting him know that if he's going to thumb his nose at lower-class working people without health care, he'll be doing it to me because I've been there. I also gave him a hand-burned cd, because I can't resist an opportunity to

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-49668910858428967542010-06-27T12:22:00.002-04:002010-06-27T12:31:27.196-04:00

Actually, that's not quite accurate. I'm a FUCKING moron.I haven't posted in a while because I've been hoping to have a positive (or at least a neutral) follow-up to my last post. But someone left a comment recently (thanks, Karen!). So while I was in here publishing the comment and I've got time off from work and I have time to blog, I might as well come clean and admit what an idiot I am.The

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-39044545414315966382010-05-31T00:24:00.002-04:002010-05-31T00:48:56.721-04:00

My 200th post. Woo hoo.I'm staying up late because it's been too damn hot during the day to get anything accomplished.I had an appointment with my p-doc on Friday. I told her that after cutting my Namenda the cognition (at least with the typing) improved, but my depression got worse, so I went back to my original dosage. She basically shrugged and said fine.I'm kind of worried about this, but I

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-85344156511712605842010-05-04T21:43:00.002-04:002010-05-04T22:23:54.380-04:00

...I am now thanking God for Facebook.In my last post I mentioned a man who loves women so damn much that he couldn't be satisfied with just one. He's married now, with kids. And yes, his wife knows about his extracurricular activity and has given him her blessing.He and I have been corresponding A LOT ever since I re-connected with him a little over a month ago. Mostly me making smart-ass

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-41423003322503487092010-04-17T23:11:00.002-04:002010-04-17T23:34:58.367-04:00

I'm still doing only the 5 mgs of Namenda. My typing has improved slightly, but my depression has gotten worse.Of course, this may have something to do with the fact that I'm turning 40 soon. When my mentor from grad school died from leukemia complications at age 39 I swore I would look forward to turning 40. But now that it's staring me in the face like the headlights of an oncoming train I'm

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-90051010409369154872010-02-27T22:33:00.002-05:002010-02-27T22:43:13.980-05:00

So I've had my Facebook account for 1 week and 1 day. Here's what's transpired:*Many of my ex-classmates have much more fulfilling lives than I do.*My friend from the tax firm, who "wasn't interested" in the flight attendant who had the hots for him but he started fucking her anyway just for something to do, married his fuckbuddy.*The 2 people who got me interested enough in Facebook to make me

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-58688632989965325882010-02-21T21:07:00.002-05:002010-02-21T21:19:32.834-05:00

I had an appointment with the p-doc last week. I told her that I was experiencing some changes in my cognitive function. I'm starting to make more mistakes when I'm typing, and I'm starting to lose facial recognition. Not with people I already know, but with people I'm meeting for the first time. You introduce yourself & tell me your name, and I'll remember your name and everything about you. But

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-28925542288985851682010-01-23T22:11:00.001-05:002010-01-23T22:24:05.849-05:00

I finally had it on Friday.The day before, my boss was walking past my desk on the way to her office and said, "Oh, by the way, Human Resources finally released your performance review. Why don't we go over it tomorrow?"This marks the 3rd consecutive year that my review has been done on roughly 24 hours' notice.I went home that night, took my usual doxepin, and then right before I went to bed

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-7546069709723312682009-12-27T09:53:00.002-05:002009-12-27T10:13:52.667-05:00

Last time when I posted I was wallowing in the depths of despair. It was partially because of the Guitar God, and partially because Christmas was fast approaching & I was sad and frustrated over facing yet another goddamn holiday totally and completely alone.Well, what a difference a week makes. The holiday is over, and I'm still alive. I woke up around 8am, opened the one present I'd received (a

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-74660309656154674252009-12-13T00:02:00.002-05:002009-12-13T00:12:45.418-05:00

That's what my life is. One great big wall of pain.I don't want to kill myself, but the fact that I don't want to die doesn't mean Iwant to live. I am so ashamed. My life is just one big waste. I have no purpose on this earth. Why am I still here wasting oxygen?For so long I've just wanted someplace to go and get a hug and be safe. Maybe the reason I don't have it is because I don't deserve it.

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-72571007593113785162009-12-11T09:28:00.002-05:002009-12-11T10:12:34.395-05:00

In my last post I wondered whether I should a) ignore Guitar God's lame late thank-you, b) tell him off & rip him a new ass, or c) gently point out that his story wasn't adding up and give him a chance to explain himself.On Tuesday, I decided to go with option c). In an email that was a lot briefer than it's going to sound in my description here, I observed that his email tends to conk out a lot

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-29090004823374534692009-12-07T19:43:00.002-05:002009-12-07T19:55:02.716-05:00

Friday, 12/4: I get an email from one of the many music venues who have added me to their mailing list over the years. Seems Guitar God's favorite artist is playing at the venue in a few months from now. I still haven't heard jack from the Guitar God, but I'm in a generous mood, so I forward the email to him. No message, just the forward.Last night: I have a dream that I'm in the front row of the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-31656233413713924082009-11-29T20:51:00.002-05:002009-11-29T21:06:57.857-05:00

So here's what's going on with me GAD-wise...My performance review is coming up. My boss hasn't said a word to me yet. I only know this because I overheard her discussing reviews in general with another employee.I would rather have a root canal than undergo a review. Hell, I would rather be FIRED than go through a review.When my boss first became my boss, she went over my most recent review with

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-50651093261383159672009-11-08T20:33:00.001-05:002009-11-08T20:53:31.364-05:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a while.First, a mental health update. I've been in a really pissed off mood for a while now. I don't know why, other than I'm fairly certain it's not PMS. I just have no patience with anyone or anything. I feel like I really want to beat the shit out of somebody. No one in particular, unless there's a particular person who happens to be pissing me off at the moment.Work

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-32994861804597282732009-09-26T09:18:00.002-04:002009-09-26T10:20:42.970-04:00

Thanks T for your post. Even though I know this is a public blog and that anyone can read it, it still amazes me when people do. It amazes me even further when people say that it's interesting.Your post touched on several subjects. I'll try to touch on all of them here. First, let's talk about cognitive behavioral therapy. Personally, I'm not into psychotherapy of any kind. I'm not saying that

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-37672785310746556042009-09-20T20:22:00.002-04:002009-09-20T20:37:12.898-04:00

Nothing.Not one damn word.Not a phone call, not even a lousy email.This was the response I received from the Guitar God to the birthday package I mailed him last week. The one I've been working on for more than a year. The one I was inspired to do the night I kissed him.Mind you, I wasn't expecting any miracles. I didn't think this was going to magically change his heart around. But I thought

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-52026812724798237412009-08-29T19:18:00.002-04:002009-08-29T19:27:13.442-04:00

I've spent much of today watching the coverage of Ted Kennedy's funeral. And bawling like a baby.I didn't pay much attention to him when he was alive. Of course, I knew who he was, but it's not like he was MY senator or anything. It's only been in the wake of his passing that I've come to realize how much he's done for me. Ted Kennedy was at least partially (if not largely) responsible for the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-58152798204947716412009-08-08T21:04:00.002-04:002009-08-08T21:49:01.172-04:00

Didja hear about the shooting that happened in Pittsburgh this week?A 48-year old gunman walked into a health club, went into a room where a mostly (if not all) female exercise class was going on, turned out the lights, and started shooting. By the time all was said and done, 3 women were dead and so was he, turning the gun on himself.The ensuing investigation revealed that the gunman had posted

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-31890816874373395842009-07-19T20:33:00.002-04:002009-07-19T20:41:00.571-04:00

I spent the better part of this weekend zonked out on a lovely cocktail of Remeron, doxepin, and xanax.The shit with my landlord has died down, but the shit at work has fired up big time. I applied for 4 jobs this weekend, and did another handful over the past week.If this is all there is to my life, then I no longer want to live. There's just no point. Friday night as I was trying to fall asleep

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-59641472622283616692009-07-04T22:27:00.002-04:002009-07-04T22:44:07.913-04:00

Tonight is my last night of freedom before I get back into the routine of work. (I had this entire week off.)I had some good things happen. I had my annual doctor's appointment and I actually got to see the doctor instead of the half-wit physician's assistant I had last year. A few days later I got my lab results back, and I am officially off Lipitor. I then celebrated this fact by consuming 4

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-80090372863237659142009-06-20T12:16:00.002-04:002009-06-20T12:34:56.109-04:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. There's been some major upheaval in my life over the past month, and most of the time I've spent talking about it online has been through Crazyboards.Basically, my landlord and I are at war. I've probably blogged in the past about how he likes to let himself into my apartment anytime he thinks he has a valid excuse and without giving me proper notice. I'm

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-55734804007494284202009-05-06T05:30:00.002-04:002009-05-06T05:39:06.053-04:00

It's 5:30am on my birthday and I'm wide awake. Why the hell would I be up at the crack of ass when it's my birthday? Well, the remeron I took roughly 12 hours ago has finally worn off and I'm no longer sleepy.Yesterday was just such a day from hell at work. I'm not going to go into details because it's my birthday and I want to try & think good thoughts today & relaying what happen will just

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-34997394792548951902009-05-02T21:47:00.002-04:002009-05-02T22:04:01.652-04:00

I had a disturbing dream last night/this morning...I was in a home that obviously belonged to my parents, although it didn't look like any home I actually grew up in. My mother was in the kitchen, I was in the next room alternating between sleeping and playing a game on the computer. At some point my sister showed up in the kitchen and said loudly that I wasn't doing anything to help.The next

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-49571575614550498512009-04-04T22:03:00.002-04:002009-04-04T22:25:55.480-04:00

First, the thank you.Anonymous, thank you so much for your kind and generous words. It's not very often that I feel like someone truly understands me. At best, I hope that they can just put up with me. But through your words, I know that you understand. And I thank you. Because of you, I no longer feel quite so alone.Now for the roar. Two weeks ago I received an email from someone I haven't seen

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-64027962087882387052009-03-19T20:46:00.002-04:002009-03-19T20:57:32.010-04:00

I've hit the wall at work. I mean really hit the wall.I feel like the horse in George Orwell's Animal Farm. I just work harder and harder with no end in sight. People treat me like crap, and I have to accept it because They're Important and i'm not.I work so I can afford to pay for my meds. I take my meds so I can go to work. And that's my life. And what do I have to look forward to when I'm too

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-16359482502344697002009-02-16T21:43:00.002-05:002009-02-16T21:56:55.395-05:00

Here's how you know you've spiraled into the abyss. You're on a 4-day weekend, you have an invitation to go to a free event involving free chocolate with a friend, it's the only remotely pleasant social occasion you have planned for the entire weekend...and you blow it off because you'd rather take some Remeron and zonk out in front of the TV.Such was my state of affairs on Friday. The day before

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-47568290818586194732009-01-17T22:47:00.002-05:002009-01-17T23:03:30.525-05:00

Guitar God is forgiven. Not that I was really angry with him or anything.The day after my last post I got an email from him. Turns out he was out of town & that's why he didn't hear the voice msg until then.I'm sorry that my blogging has been more about my sorry pathetic (lack of) love life than about my GAD. But this is what's occupying my brain at the moment.I'm worried about work. But that's

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-12941395796744537112009-01-13T21:42:00.003-05:002009-01-13T21:50:28.325-05:00

OK, so...I got through Christmas OK. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful either.The day after Christmas I went to see the Guitar God perform. He did manage to walk over to my table and squeeze my hand. That was encouraging.About 2 weeks before this gig, GG was performing on a local radio station doing backup for someone else. There was another singer there too, a phenomenal up-and-coming Jazz

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-90825525780504961102008-12-14T21:22:00.002-05:002008-12-14T21:30:53.622-05:00

So here's what's happened in the week since my long-awaited yet utterly uneventful encounter with the Guitar God:*Shot him a very brief email (like, less than 5 lines). I made it a point to wait at least 24 hours before sending it. No response.*Discovered he's got performance videos up on YouTube. I don't think he's the one who posted them, though. I download them to my computer, and shoot an

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-60815897855895097482008-12-07T00:03:00.002-05:002008-12-07T00:28:51.865-05:00

Business first. I've signed up for a new anonymous email account & I've just attached this blog to it. So just to make sure everything's working properly, I need y'all to post comments. They can be bullshit comments, and if you label them as such I will reject them and not post them to the blog. I just want to know that the comments are coming through. Thanks.Now for the lack of pleasure. Tonight

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-81009832019598183692008-11-30T21:13:00.002-05:002008-11-30T21:34:38.592-05:00

Over the past year I've had the opportunity to learn a little about autistic spectrum disorders (don't ask me how), and some of it is starting to sound familiar.I don't think I have enough symptoms, and what symptoms I have aren't severe enough to qualify me for a full-blown diagnosis, but Asperger's would explain a lot about why I'm such a fuck-up.Autistic people have phenomenal memories. So do

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-25912855821174961232008-11-23T20:08:00.002-05:002008-11-23T20:27:55.614-05:00

I'll get to the logic behind the title of this post in a minute. But first...Message to Karen who posted a comment on 11/19: Thank you for your post. I'm reluctant to post your comment because you included your last name. If you post another comment (it can be the same thing) without your last name, I'll be happy to publish it. Also, sorry for the delay in responding to your comment......Which

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-21993583697365824582008-10-31T23:15:00.002-04:002008-10-31T23:32:10.472-04:00

It's over.I got through Hell Day, aka my yearly review.The night before I took my regular dose of doxepin, followed 90 minutes later by 3.75 mgs of Remeron. I slept like a rock. Then I got up & did 0.5 mgs of Xanax XR before I left for work. It didn't help. By 9:30am I couldn't sit still & I felt like I was going to throw up. At 10:30am I took 0.5 mgs of klonopin & walked to my boss' office.And

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-82173815193389481772008-10-26T20:03:00.002-04:002008-10-26T20:19:16.996-04:00

I've spent the past 2 days sobbing like a baby & right now I'm edgy as hell despite the fact that I took my doxepin 1/2 an hour ago. I'm thinking it's hormones, which would be really crappy because I have my yearly performance review this week & I don't want to be dealing with hormonal shit on top of it.I hate reviews. I would rather undergo a hysterectomy without anesthesia than go through a

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-57045637846604874292008-09-20T00:31:00.002-04:002008-09-20T00:42:33.764-04:00

The title pretty much sums up how I feel about myself right now.So...the Guitar God finally got in touch with me on Tuesday (his birthday). His email was very brief (his emails always are), but he was polite enough to thank me. So of course I shot him an email right back & called him & left a msg on his answering machine like the pathetic wench that I am.I went to a concert tonight. And as I

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-90209635468413769472008-09-14T19:47:00.002-04:002008-09-14T20:08:34.405-04:00

I went to Guitar God's apartment and left a package with the doorman, who didn't want to accept it because he thought it needed to be refrigerated. As I explained to him, it was a homemade "Party in a Bag": a package of cupcakes with a little box of birthday candles taped to them, a cigarette lighter for the candles, a card, and a can of beer. The doorman balked at the cupcakes. I said, "They're

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-11578608436682040632008-09-08T19:47:00.002-04:002008-09-08T19:58:42.858-04:00

This is the irrefutable conclusion to which I've come.I won't go into details for privacy reasons, but I had to deal with some major snarky rudeness today at work. Or maybe that's majorly rude snarkiness. Who knows?It seems to be getting worse. Ever since my ultra-efficient colleague left (and even SHE's been rude to me of late), I've just been getting hit with it over and over. Maybe she was

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-29530140678654946892008-08-19T20:45:00.002-04:002008-08-19T20:53:41.786-04:00

To make a long story short, I've picked out a computer that I want to buy. Its only disadvantage is that it doesn't have a floppy drive, which means I'm going to have to put all the stuff I have on floppy onto my current hard drive, then burn it onto a CD. It will be a pain in the ass, but doable.But not nearly as big of a pain as when I tried to purchase it online late this afternoon. My credit

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-24545415151363616942008-08-17T21:07:00.003-04:002008-08-17T21:22:40.488-04:00

My piece-of-shit computer is fading fast.Yesterday I chaperoned a field trip for our students. I came home, shoved some food in my face, took some Remeron, and promptly collapsed.Shortly after 1am I was jerked awake by the sound of my cell phone beeping. I had received a text message. It was from my computer geek friend whom I had told back at the end of July that I needed to replace my crap NOW.

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-58618717844566379912008-08-10T19:16:00.002-04:002008-08-10T19:25:45.778-04:00

Websites everywhere are updating, including Blogger. Unfortunately, my piece-of-shit computer with its piece-of-shit Windows 98 can't handle all the updates. So I got screwed out of Blogger for a while. I'm still screwed out of Excite, but I tried Blogger again just now for the hell of it. So I'm posting because God knows when I'll be able to post again.I have absolutely hit the wall at my job.

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-36822406031856183402008-07-27T21:56:00.003-04:002008-07-27T22:02:41.738-04:00

No, he hasn't called. Of course he hasn't called, he probably doesn't have my number.And no he hasn't emailed. He probably slept in, then headed back to CT to be with his family. He probably doesn't have email access in CT.And he's probably busy. Yes, that's it. He's busy working. That's why there haven't been any emails from him in the 300,000,000,000 times I've checked all my email accounts

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-76296563312412748362008-07-27T00:16:00.002-04:002008-07-27T00:45:34.280-04:00

To the regular readers of my blog (all what, 3 of you?)--Please indulge me for a moment while I write an email to my friend who died six years ago. Some of the stuff here you won't understand, but she will. And she's the person I would give anything to be able to talk to right now. And this is how I choose to talk to her.Dear B,It's after midnight, & I should be asleep by now because I have lots

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-60594359912867671212008-07-23T21:17:00.002-04:002008-07-23T21:24:30.663-04:00

Thanks KeviLars for your thoughts.Our whole departmet had a big meeting the other day to plot out what the hell we're going to do in my colleague's absence.Here's the upshot of that meeting: I'm going to do it. Without any goddamn support whatsoever.Still no word from my boss about my raise. And before you know it, it will be time for my annual performance review & they'll just give me my 3% (

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-65163572650130850582008-07-20T17:25:00.002-04:002008-07-20T17:32:02.078-04:00

I've got a computer problem, folks.It doesn't really affect my blog, but it affects any comments that you post. The email address that I have connected to this blog is an Excite account. If you have an Excite account, you know that they recently upgraded things over there.My cheap crappy computer with its Windows 98 operating system does not support this upgrade. This means that until I get my

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-67804316281845956542008-06-23T19:52:00.002-04:002008-06-23T20:04:58.211-04:00

My friend the cancer patient died last week.The day after, I visited her family. The day after that, I went out of town on a conference for a few days. The flight turned out to be the trip from hell. I didn't arrive at my destination till 1am. And even though I arrived at my destination, my luggage did not. I had to wait about 24 hours for it to be delivered to my hotel.It gets better. I only

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-57037689447326381352008-05-29T21:18:00.002-04:002008-05-29T21:37:14.882-04:00

Someone whose name I can't recall once wrote a very famous book about depression in which he compared it to a big black dog. Someone else has just written a book expanding on that metaphor called "Shoot the Damn Dog". I am now going to borrow upon that metaphor, although not to such a violent extent.I am back in the doghouse.I may or may not have mentioned in my last post that a huge project was

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-22774711252159667062008-05-18T16:15:00.002-04:002008-05-18T16:28:57.482-04:00

This past Monday my boss calls me into her office and drops the equivalent of a neutron bomb.No, she didn't fire me. At this point, being fired would have been a blessing in disguise. What she did was inform me that my colleague is resigning. This would be the ultra-efficient colleague who's been in her position for years and does the work of 3 people without breaking a sweat. The only reason my

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-89264464331804250282008-05-07T21:27:00.002-04:002008-05-07T21:39:35.819-04:00

First, an update to my last post. I wrote my letter. And mailed it off yesterday. And I managed to write it without any of the sniveling self-pity I unleashed here. Well, maybe just a smidgen. But I was drinking when I wrote it, & I think that allows my thinking to be just a little fuzzy.Why was I drinking? This is the time of year when I mark the anniversary of the death of one of my best

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-79757152142397650632008-04-26T22:54:00.002-04:002008-04-26T23:39:38.981-04:00

A while back someone posted a comment on this blog that said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't want to be around you, either." I tend to be a lot more miserable and mopey here than I am in my daily life because this is the place where I get all the shit out. My anonymity allows this to be the one place where I can say how I really feel. And sometimes getting feelings out helps to eliminate

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-62325771333634309222008-03-17T19:21:00.002-04:002008-03-17T19:26:29.229-04:00

Thanks Anonymous...I think.Recently I had the opportunity to discuss my job situation with an impartial advisor. She advised me to stay put for a while. So that's what I'm going to do for the time being.The problem isn't my job. I LIKE my job. And I like my boss, and my co-workers (most of them), and the place where I work. It's only the inequity of my salary that sucks. And that's what I may

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-75875406268572027982008-03-08T21:40:00.004-05:002008-03-08T21:50:14.090-05:00

Nothing earth-shattering to report in this post, but I'm updating because I'm going to be out of town for a few days & don't know when I'll be able to blog next.I guess the biggest news in GAD World is that I had my first appt with the new p-doc. She seems to be ok, and has no problem with the fact that I often self-regulate my meds--that is, I take it upon myself to take more or less (usually

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-17303274349108319612008-02-09T22:11:00.000-05:002008-02-09T22:24:35.375-05:00

Well, I think it's safe to say I've officially reached middle age.I pulled out my first gray hair Tuesday night.I had noticed it shining through my scalp for maybe a week prior, but I was hoping it was blond and not gray. (My hair tends to get blondish when exposed to the sun.) For some reason on Tuesday I decided to pluck it once and for all just to end my internal debate. And there it was. Not

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-11198333739925400832008-02-02T22:17:00.000-05:002008-02-02T22:46:41.715-05:00

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that the Cute Guy (yeah, him again) was in a theatre production. Periodically I check his blog to see what the cast is up to. Not because I'm still checking on HIM necessarily, but because I'm still friendly with his brother & I like to know what's going on with him and the rest of their flock.I got 2 unpleasant surprises. First, the theatre production is no

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-51224667688583210612008-01-24T19:16:00.000-05:002008-01-24T19:42:56.535-05:00

Thanks Nancy for your comments.I may not be blogging very much for a while. My mouse has died. My computer mouse, that is.The clicking part of the mouse works ok, but when I try to roll it around the cursor doesn't move the way it's supposed to. I took it apart because I thought maybe it was because the mouse ball was dirty. But that wasn't the case.If you look inside your mouse (flip it over &

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-48991871012227935512008-01-21T20:48:00.000-05:002008-01-21T20:53:48.337-05:00

Since I had today off and since most medical offices were open, I decided that this was the day I was going to start calling p-docs in the hopes of finding a new one.I sat down with my cell phone, my insurance carrier's directory, and a slip of paper upon which I had written the name & number of a referral given to me by a friend. I mentally prepared myself for at least 30 minutes' worth of calls

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-13212461061344795582008-01-19T20:02:00.000-05:002008-01-19T20:27:36.699-05:00

I did something brave last weekend. Or at least, I thought it was brave, sice it took me 3 goddamn years and a hell of a lot of nerve to do it. But maybe it was just stupid.When I got tossed out on my rear from Prestigious Institution, there were a handful of people who were shocked by my fate and felt that I had been royally screwed. Some of these people even offered to be references for me.Last

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-67878112073340089002008-01-07T20:58:00.000-05:002008-01-07T21:16:59.211-05:00

I called the insurance company on Wednesday to have them translate the legal mumbo-jumbo they sent me in the letter I referred to in my previous post. I said to the live human being on the other end of the line, "I have one simple question. And hopefully you can give me a simple answer: If I go to see a psychiatrist, what's my co-pay?"And the simple answer was: The same co-pay I would have if I

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-42465463121331706732008-01-01T20:45:00.000-05:002008-01-01T21:04:34.993-05:00

I've had the past several days off from work, so I have time to blog. But I haven't blogged because there really hasn't been much for me to say.Christmas was uneventful, as usual. The one exception being that I got a totally unexpected phone call from a friend. It was the only real conversation I had that day.No real news GAD-wise. It's been laying low since I've been off work. Then as I was

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-15580811376747909192007-12-19T19:52:00.000-05:002007-12-19T19:56:02.780-05:00

...And it was completely uneventful.She didn't even ask for my damn labs. Just gave me my prescriptions & sent me on my merry way.I tried to tell her that the Red Cross hasn't been paying her for the past year because the office hasn't given them my EOB. She told me to talk to one of the clerical people. I tried to explain this to her & she totally didn't get it. What a fucking moron. So I give

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-75418231264232580262007-12-19T07:43:00.000-05:002007-12-19T07:49:06.527-05:00

In less than 3 hours I will be sitting in the p-doc's office for what will probably be the final time.My stress level is through the roof right now. I am worried that when I don't give her ALL my labs like she requested she will refuse to write my Rxs. (I'm giving her the info that proves the White Russian fucked up her lab report, but that's it.) I am worried that when I get to the office

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-33181809591837270782007-12-03T19:46:00.000-05:002007-12-03T19:56:48.011-05:00

I spent this entire weekend debating (both internally and externally w/one of my teachers from high school) if and when and how I should start looking for another job. Should I start immediately or wait until I figure out what my situation at Bellevue is going to be? Should I hit hard or should I just send out a couple of feelers? What? When? How? And I prayed and asked God to show me the

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-17570311694806603062007-12-01T00:22:00.000-05:002007-12-01T00:40:14.908-05:00

I went to a gig tonight. As gigs go, it was pretty cool and social. I stopped at McDonald's before the gig to hit the ATM and ran into a musician friend who was on his way to the same gig. So we walked over to the venue together. He didn't sit with me though.Then I ended up sharing a table with 2 people who turned out to be friends with one of the band members. So I hung with the band member for

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-11254088232085478432007-11-24T08:49:00.000-05:002007-11-24T09:02:27.982-05:00

Just some reminders to myself in case I ever get the urge to order pizza again:1) Contrary to what you thought, the carbs did NOT knock you out and enable you to sleep. Even with a Tylenol PM and even with crawling into bed around 10pm, you were still tossing & turning until shortly before 5am.2) The sodium level in that stuff is so high that you'll be gulping water until the cows come home. Or

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-41873516253421519682007-11-23T21:20:00.000-05:002007-11-23T21:42:12.368-05:00

I just downed an entire order of Domino's cheesy bread and almost 3 slices of a large pizza.Tomorrow I'm going to regret this. Hell, I might even regret it in a few hours. But for now, the carb avalanche has made me calm and content.Maybe I'm going stir crazy. I've gone shopping in a couple of places today, and I spoke briefly with the clerks who waited on me. That is the only conversation I've

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-55690392912666955662007-11-22T19:17:00.000-05:002007-11-22T19:29:17.625-05:00

The Family Thanksgiving Dinner...that time-honored tradition where millions of Americans travel hundreds if not thousands of miles to be together so they can spend an entire weekend psychologically abusing one another. And then they eat turkey.You see? Being estranged from one's family has its advantages. I don't have to put up with that shit anymore!If, like me, you find yourself alone on this

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5741960.post-770702833717688452007-11-18T13:23:00.000-05:002007-11-18T13:43:11.585-05:00

A few years ago I posted an entry with the same title, but today's dilemma has nothing to do with that.Before I get into it, thanks Antsie for your comment. For the record, I rarely drink coffee. Once in a while I'll have a Diet Coke at my desk at work first thing in the morning, poured into a big cup HEAPED with ice. It usually lasts me more than 1/2 a day. Then when I eat at fast food joints I

Pathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18273753303643954311noreply@blogger.com1